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  • Kassia.

    Kassia。

  • Kassia, have you seen this dog with braces?

    Kassia,你看過這隻帶著牙套的狗狗嗎?

  • Oh, man, it's all over my feed.

    老天,這一直出現在我的動態消息上。

  • Oh, no, I try not to look at Facebook.

    喔,我沒看過那個,我盡量不看 Facebook。

  • What, why? Do you hate nerdy dogs?

    甚麼,為何?你討厭怪狗狗嗎?

  • No. Facebook and I used to date.

    不是。我之前和 Facebook 交往過。

  • Oh, really?

    喔,真假?

  • Kassia.

    Kassia。

  • Oh, no.

    糟了。

  • Kassia, do you want to get some food?

    Kassia,你想要吃點東西嗎?

  • Facebook, no. We broke up.

    Facebook,不要這樣。我們分手了。

  • This is desperate.

    你很不死心耶。

  • What do you mean?

    甚麼意思?

  • Where do I start?

    該從何講起呢?

  • Okay, here, for instance.

    好吧,像是這個。

  • This year end review.

    這個年度回顧功能。

  • That's nice.

    這很溫馨啊。

  • It's thoughtless.

    這根本不用心。

  • I don't care about any of this shit.

    這根本不是我關心的東西。

  • It's just stuff I put up there that got a lot of likes.

    你只是把我有很多讚的照片放在一起罷了。

  • Okay, and this?

    還有,這又是什麼?

  • You're always showing me pictures of the way things used to be,

    你老是給我看一些陳年的照片,

  • like you're trying to prove things were so great back when you were still relevant.

    感覺好像你在不停地刷存在感。

  • We had good times.

    我們有過很美好的回憶。

  • It's manipulative.

    這是在操弄人心。

  • You are a manipulative person. This!

    你是個喜歡操弄人心的人。還有這個!

  • Oh, I get a message from you, you have four unread messages, but first, you have to download this app in order to get it. That sucks.

    喔,我收到了訊息,目前有四封未讀訊息,但我還得先下載這個 app 才能讀這些訊息。 這超爛的。

  • I'm a good boyfriend.

    我是個稱職的男友。

  • I'm always asking you, "What's on your mind?"

    我一直在問你「在想些什麼?」

  • Big deal.

    啊不就好棒棒。

  • I'll always get you anything you want.

    我總是為你拿到任何你想要的東西。

  • You liked WhatsApp, I bought that.

    你喜歡 WhatsApp,我買下它了。

  • You liked Instagram, I bought that.

    你喜歡 Instagram,我把它買下了。

  • You liked Oculus, I bought that.

    你喜歡 Oculus,我也把它買下了。 (Oculus是一家製作頭戴式虛擬顯示器的公司)

  • I never said I liked Oculus.

    我從來沒有說我喜歡 Oculus。

  • I got you all these new Like buttons.

    我還弄了好多新的讚和表情符號。

  • You can also buy this shirt that says, "You wouldn't understand, it's a Kassia thing."

    你還可以購買上面寫著「你不懂啦,這是 Kassia 的梗」的T恤。

  • Okay, you're lame now.

    好啦,你現在落伍了。

  • You created a holiday, National Friends Day, just so we could hang out.

    你創造了一個叫全國朋友日的節日,就只是讓我們可以跟朋友打發時間。

  • And when I do reach out, all you wanna talk about is politics or Blue Apron.

    但當我真的想要找人聊天,你卻只想談論政治和 Blue Apron。 (美國知名食材電商)

  • Yeah, due to your history, I thought you would like Blue Apron.

    是啊,根據你的瀏覽紀錄,我以為你會喜歡 Blue Apron。

  • That's the real issue.

    這就是問題所在。

  • When we do hang out, you just do it now to sell my information to advertisers.

    當我們真的出去玩時,你只會把我的個人資訊賣給廣告商。

  • You used to be fun and now it's all about the money.

    你之前很風趣的,而現在你滿腦子只想著錢。

  • Well, money is how I was able to buy you Oculus...

    這個嘛,我要賺多點錢才能幫你買 Oculus⋯

  • I don't give a fuck about Oculus!

    我才不想要甚麼 Oculus 啦!

  • Okay?

    懂嗎?

  • Listen, you are a smart computer person, right?

    聽著,你是個聰明的資工人,對嗎?

  • And you're probably walkin' through life thinking, "Oh, everybody hates me because I'm a nerd."

    而你在人生旅途中或許會想:「喔,大家不喜歡我,因為我是資工宅。」

  • I wanna tell you from the bottom of my heart, that's not why.

    我打從心底告訴你,這不是你被討厭的原因。

  • They hate you because you sold their data.

    人們之所以會討厭你是因為你出賣了大家的個資。

  • Plus, I have a new man now.

    再說,我已經有了新男友。

  • Ready to go, babe?

    準備好要走了嗎,寶貝?

  • You're dating Apple?

    你在跟 Apple 交往?

  • I thought you were dating Snapchat?

    我以為你在跟 Snapchat 交往?

  • Snapchat wasn't permanent.

    Snapchat 只是個過渡男友罷了。

  • I like how safe I feel with Apple.

    我喜歡跟 Apple 在一起的安全感。

  • Is this guy bothering you?

    這傢伙打擾到妳了嗎?

  • Not anymore.

    再也不會了。

  • Good.

    很好

  • 'Cause if he ever does, if he tries to see your data or get in your phone, I'll shut him down.

    如果他敢,他膽敢竊取你的個資或是偷看你的手機,我會立馬把它關掉。

  • Nobody tells me what to do.

    沒有人能告訴我該怎麼做。

  • And one more thing.

    順帶一提。

  • I'm not afraid to go to jail.

    我不怕去坐牢。

  • Love you, babe.

    愛你,寶貝。

  • Love you.

    我也愛你。

  • Dogs with braces aren't cool, do you know what's cool?

    帶著牙套的狗狗不夠潮,你知道甚麼最潮嗎?

  • Shut the fuck up, Friendster.

    閉上你的狗嘴,Friendster。(Friendster是全球首家社群網站,現已沒落)

  • Hey, it's Grant from CollegeHumor.

    嘿,我是 CollegeHumor 的 Grant。

  • Click here to subscribe to the channel.

    點擊這裡以訂閱我們的頻道。

  • Click here for more fun stuff.

    點那裡可以看更多好笑的影片。

  • And sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out.

    然後,抱歉各位,我好像被切掉了。

  • Am I out?

    我被切掉了嗎?

  • I... 'cause like I can see the top of the camera, so it's...

    我...因為我可以看到攝影機的頂端,所以應該...

  • Is this better?

    這樣好一點了嗎?

  • All right, it feels worse.

    這個嘛,感覺好像更糟。

  • Okay.

    好吧。

  • Thanks for watching.

    謝謝收看。

Kassia.

Kassia。

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    李宣億 發佈於 2022 年 04 月 21 日
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